Saturday, November 3, 2012

My Mom

oh gosh I feel so horrible. I was moving boxes around and came across one I had of my moms stuff when she passed away. I don't know why but I decided to look through it and broke down. In her purse she had phone brochures like she was looking for a wireless plan, her cigarettes, pain pills, lottery tickets, and many other things any person would have. 

A Blockbuster card in her name with a coupon for 1 Free non -new release movie rental, dated October 1 - October 31, 2005. The month she passed away. An application for WhatABurger. Cosmetics she must have scavenged or used the last of any money she had for. Soap. A toothbrush and toothpaste. There were shoes and magazines she had read, things like People and US weekly but she liked them and the books had burned in the fire. Despite how bad her condition was, inside was still was my mom, just trying to make it.

She really seemed to be trying with everything she had. The truth of the matter when s
he passed, things were so bad with her schizophrenia I had moved out. This was after the house burned up and was barely livable. I was working and school at the time trying to stay afloat. I had moved out, seemingly thinking it was best for both us. Figured I would check in on her.

I failed that. It had been almost a whole month I had not seen her or talked to her when I heard she had been hit by a car. It was too late. She had been starving to the point of grabbing the bags of donuts the donut shop threw out behind my Blockbuster. I opened an electric bill from then, past due with a cut off notice. I would have paid it.

I should have been there for her. Even as I lay by her side in the hospital, her unable to speak or move, I held her hand. It was rough, and dry and scratched by her trying to make by, practically homeless by many standards.

I saved what I could to remember her by. It has been six years and it hurts just as bad as the day it happened. Maybe I never did get over her. Maybe I never can. Why couldn't I have been a stronger person? I could have saved her. The last time I heard her voice was on a voicemail. Sachia had let me save it on a tape but that was lost.

You know what she said on it? The last words I ever heard my mother speak? While I can't remember exactly, I do know this, "It's okay. Things are going to be okay." I did not understand the context of it then. Yet now it is all I can think of. Her voice reaching out from the past to make me understand that things will be alright.

Below is the only picture I have left of her, and our dog Angel.