Saturday, September 8, 2012

My TS Life (rough draft + more background)

To someone with an open heart and open mind:

My name is Corrie Kasal. I am a 28 year old male to female transsexual. 

I am stuck waiting until my 30s for surgery. Wonder if there is anyone else out there in a similar situation. I see so many fortunate young girls, and while I am happy for them, it does hurt knowing I am going to miss out on so much, that they will get to see and experience the next few years. Everything was set to go, my surgery at the latest in 2009 (I would have been 25). 

Unfortunately, between 2006-2011 everything I had was wiped out. I was fortunate to have my electrolysis done, and have been solid on hormones since 2006 (at age 22). Funds ran dry though in 2011, and I have hardly saved up anything since. Most likely it will be 2014 before my surgery happens, I will be at least 30. Trying to overcome this, but it seems so significant in my mind. I have got to let the past go, and stop thinking, worrying about others.

Of course I always knew I was different. I hated being a boy and I did some bad things, some gross things when I was young. Even at the age of 12 I was trying to castrate myself with fishing line, even up to 17 where I hung myself by my genitals to a clothesline. I was trying to stop the incoming storm of puberty. I have worn panties as long as I can remember just like the regular everyday clothing the are.  Snuck them and took a few from Walmart until they had self checkout. Washed clothes in the sink. Simple and weird as it may sound the underwear was the achor to my thoughts until I was able to dress openly now. What I am trying to say is that in many ways, I have always lived as a girl, I just lacked the funds and knowledged to look and express the way I felt inside.

Life was hard growing up. My dad was non existent and my mom had severe schizophrenia. We were poor and did not have much. I ended up having to take care of my mom since after 1996 she took a turn for the worse. DHS placed me with my granny who was 85 at the time. Though she tried her best, I ended up taking care of her into my later teens.

 As I grew older and learned more about myself and the process I stopped, but I still have the thoughts to this day. Infections, Gangrene, and Flesh eating bacteria are the only thing holding me back, but even then I think what if. Thoughts that I cannot keep at bay much longer. So many times have I considered getting drunk, mangling myself up in the emergency room and the thought that just maybe I will survive and be rid of these wretched parts. Rationally this to me is ridiculous but the thought of another year like this is unbearable.

I started hormones courtesy of Inhouse Pharmacy back in 2006, though I had dabbled in 2003 as well. I was 22 when I started in 2006. I had just gone through some horrible times. Between 2004-2006 my mom died, my granny who took care of me since I was 12 died, our house burned up, my dog Mickey I had since kindergarten died, my girlfriend left, I lost a job, and dropped out of school. When my first really serious girlfriend left in 2006 I tried to kill myself. (overdosed on pills trying to get my ex to see me). I lost everything.

During the time with my ex I struggled with the emotions and dressing on the side. Soon as the relationship was over I hit the hormones, I knew what I had to do. I had wasted too much time already. Unfortunately I also went through the worst period of drinking and spending after this. I blew my credit, wrecked a car, and created problems lasting to this day that I don’t think it will be until I am well into my 30s to fix. Life just keeps happening and I don’t know what to do. I save up a $1,000 here something happens, save up a $1,000 there but no matter what something happens. Last it was my teeth, and before that I had to move next to work after my car died.

As of now in ten years I have managed to save up a whopping $3000 for surgery. I currently work for a major home improvement retailer. It is stable but pays the bills and that is about it. I do some internet work but that only tends to range from 10 cents a day to around $10. Typically in between on the lower end. That is where most my savings comes from. If the internet work is good then I am good, but when it is not, I see everything falling apart. I hemmorage my real job money on food, so if I can get that under control then I may have a chance.

I also struggle with hairloss still. By the time I turned 20 it was almost too late, I was stage IV. I think I am back to II now but it is still very noticeable and hard to hide unless I wear a headband or sunglasses up. Also a lot of any extra money I have is going to special shampoos that supposedly block testosterone and extracts, and the $150 I blew on a laser comb.

Another issue is my credit. I would love to just borrow the money I need and pay it back, but I filed bankruptcy in December 2011. I was fortunate to have my electrolysis finished but the debt I accumulated during 2007-2011 was just too much. My minimum payments were more than my total income. I was working a near minimum wage job and living off my then awesome credit. I knew it was wrong but I was so depressed from all the bad things that happened and being transsexual that I gave up hope that I would see the next day. Part of me stayed strong though, I maintained the job and coped somewhat. I recovered a little by 2009 but it was too little too late for my finances. I got notices of being sued and threats of garnishment I had no choice but to file bankruptcy.

Having bad social anxiety hasn’t helped. It has caused me to stress eat impacting my finances and health. I don’t have the friends and family network most have. My dad’s in worse shape than I am. He has bad back and is unable to find a job. I fear I will have to take care of him. I live by myself and just don’t make the income I need to save.  On the brightside the social anxiety helps steer me away from the adult industry. Though it is tempting for money.

I don’t have a car. This last winter I had to walk through the mud and cold through a construction nightmare. Then this summer was the same, only it was 105 degrees. Some people have been generous for rides, but I can’t ask them to help me all the time. They have lives to. It is so scary though. Mostly because that is how my mom died, just walking down the street and was struck. I think about it everytime I walk. Then what about my safety? Projecting as female now, it does bring more attention to me. What if I get mugged? What if someone tries something with me and gets a surprise? At the very least I would probably get beaten, if not killed.

Everyone I know, knows now. I used to work for Hertz, but when I came out there I started getting write-ups and disciplinary action for the most absurd things. I was working my home improvement store part time trying to save . I knew the writing was on the wall at Hertz so I promptly quit, and took this full time position in home improvement.  I waited to tell them, I could not let what happened at Hertz happen there. Eventually I could not contain it though, and changes to my body were very obvious. I came out to my hr manager, who has been extremely supportive. Most the rest of the store doesn’t seem to care.

That said, my day to day work life is miserable. Especially in summer. I see so many women in cute dresses and skirts and I drown myself in jealously and sorrow. Jealous they are so lucky they wear things like that without fear of their own parts, and sorrow that I may never get to fully enjoy those freedoms. I have not been able to go swimming since I was 15. Tucking is horrible and only reminds me of what is down there.

It is hard to checking id's and seeing female on others drivers licenses, when I am stuck with male even though I have been on hormones six years. I even tried to fight it with my original birth certificate saying female. This is in Oklahoma and I do not see that changing.

I am noticing an attraction to certain men (British haha) sometimes but feel like a grotesque freak because I know I could get beat up or worse if they saw what I had in my pants if we were intimate. I think if I was still 18 I could bear longer, but the 20s are so necessary for growing and learning about love and sex and I am missing and have missed so much already. Of course I would tell someone  first in a safe location, but accidents and spur of the moments can happen too. Mostly still am attracted to women though, though I find the thought of vaginal intercourse both appealing and correct.

I can’t sleep most nights, in fact right now I am typing this because I can’t sleep. The thoughts are overwhelming me. Thoughts I’ve dealt with for thousands of days, each day building on the next to the point I do not see making it past the next. My hopes and dreams are crushed.

That dream. Since I was little. To overcome being different and embrace it. Show the world how strong I have become.  To finish college maybe even in genetics. To find someone to love me for who I am. Adopt a child in need. Be a big sister to someone. Help others in my situation. Become the lady I was always meant to be.

Fortunately, with a note from Dr. Dawn Singleton (my counselor), I have been able to get hormones through my work health insurance. I see an endocrinologist (Wynter Kipgen) as well for checkups. This helped a little. I have my letters. Unfortunately I do not see Dr. Singleton often since that takes out of my surgery money. I miss donating blood too, can't do that while on finasteride, and I imagine it would be a year after surgery before I could.

Thank you for reading. 

With Love,

*Fun Fact* My original birth certificate says female

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