Sunday, July 29, 2012

My Ever Lowering Standards

By my best estimates I am only $4,000 away from where I need to be. Wait only? Ha, may as well be 4 million. Internet work is at a low, and am I starting to hurt from the lost funds from missing real work. How can I be so close yet so far?

What scares me the most? A selfishness I have never known. An attitude that consumes my morals and ethics, threatening everything. I find myself on the cusp of begging. The shame of asking my friends for money, as if asking for rides wasn't bad enough. I thought I would get there through hard work and perseverence. 

Now that I see that is not happening, something within me has changed. What does it matter if I get myself into some questionable legal matters? I can handle those, as I have before. The gain outweighs the loss. I could get 4k by December. 

The worst part is, as I reach the final stages of my transformation, to get all the way there I find myself examining the ins to the adult industry. Certainly I help fill in a niche for certain undesirables of society, and to get to where I need to be, there are levels of survival I am prepared to accept. Could get to 4k by April.

I have nearly convinced myself I can live a year of awful sin, if it means I gain the rest of my life. Which brings me to Mark 8:36.

"What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?"

This question. I have wrestled with it for years. I am too smart for this. Too good. Nah life will work out fine I said. And I fell back. Stay strong and work hard I said. And I fell back. Stuck halfway there, no car, and hot temps. Noooo!!! The line must be drawn here! No further!

*disclaimer* This post in no way reflects my turning to the darkside. I still bask in the light. For now. Just a possible scenario if things don't improve quick. 

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