Friday, July 27, 2012

Another Low Point

The recent uptick in credit has put me in what should be the best situation since 2005. Yet I feel miserable. It has barely been three weeks since my friend and strong source of support went to tour Europe and I am not coping well at all. Hard to even watch the Olympics without thinking of her moving away to Texas when she gets back. Think I have been teary eyed all day.

Thus in reality, I find myself since June in a position worse than I was after Sachia. The wreckless attitude is back in force and I have lost care for most everything. Mostly stay in bed if not working with Benedryl induced sleep. Which makes things worse since I do not do internet work then. 

Tried a therapy appointment last week but came out feeling worse, they never last long enough and cost too much. She said that I had done well to get this far without no support. Unfortunately, that really put things into perspective. 

No one to talk to it seems anymore and I feel so alone. I had to rent a car just so I could see my dad since he can not seem to find time to see me ("oh I work ten hour days but my tailights out and I cant drive at night") yet when I went over there twice on two seperate days, he was free to sit at the bar with me for three hours and go to the casino. 

People say to be positive but really put yourself in my shoes? Imagine feeling so disgusted and so out of place with your own body that it makes you sick, you make just enough to pay your bills for your cramped apartment, can not have a pet, you have such a bad social akwardness you struggle to make new friends and you do not have the money to go back and finish school and you can not get aid because your defaulted loan, you have no car so you walk to work, rain, cold, hot, whatever through a muddy construction nightmare and you dont have the friends and family network most have. 

Imagine your moms dead, your dad does not seem to care, any other family that might have cared either doesnt care or is dead too, and the best advice your friends, if they are not too "busy", can muster is "man up", which always seems to be the ones who have had it relatively easy, such as a live, supportive mommy and daddy or have the social skills or shacked up with the right person.

You put your blood, sweat, and tears into work (which I can say for sure I do, between all the cuts, scars, blisters, aches, heat, and crying work does to me) yet despite doing the work of two people at work and doing everything your supposed to, and being more qualified and experienced then 99% of the people there, you get overlooked and blown off. 

Then you go home and start the cycle all over again day by day. That is no kind of life and nothing to be happy about. I feel like a slave to the passage of time, dragged through misery by an endlessly rotating Earth. At least the slaves had each other. 

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