Monday, July 30, 2012

The Car Conundrum

Obviously I need a Car. Or do I?

After a series of unfortunate events, it has been a year since I have been without a car. Fortunately I was able to move closer to work just in time, so I can walk. Should have been easy right?

Well, the timing could not have been more wrong. They started construction on the road to work. Until a week ago there was not even a full sidewalk. They are widening it to four lanes and adding a sidewalk. Has been a nightmare ever since they started though.

Walking to work was awful. It was always muddy and dirty. I went through several pairs of shoes. Certainly didn't help the financial situation. Blisters and sores developed on my feet, and as soon as they start to heal after a day off they get worse again. Thought it would get better as it got warmer and I could wear flip flops.

To an extent it did, at least until April. My body heat is like a furnace. I quickly learned that unless it was under 50F°/10°C I would break into a sweat on the way to work. Now that it is well into the 100s it is unbearable. Just yesterday I found out that even with a good SPF 50+ UVA/UVB suncreen and Heliocare, I still got burn spots, even in places that were covered walking home today. Science says we were UV Index 10 on the scale, which may as well have been an Ozone hole far as I am concerned. I can't ever remember it being this bad. Then again, I spend more time in a cave than Batman.

Heliocare is not cheap. I hate to spend money on it but I have got to maintain my skin until after surgery at least. Try to look as young so I can feel as young as possible. I know I won't get to enjoy life until my 30s so trying to make them the best now. I find Heliocare works pretty well though, and as much as I have walked I have gotten a good tan without hardly a burn. Given the choice though I would rather stay inside and preserve myself. I hate the sun but as of now do not really have a choice if I want to work.

People have an exceptionally generous with rides. I am extremely grateful. If any of you are reading this I can't thank you enough.

I sure miss my Lancer. My favorite car. Unfortunately it got totaled. I was upside down in payments, and of course insurance was not enough to cover. They totaled it out and suddenly found myself owing several thousand. No car but still making $255 a month payments, and unable to get approved or refinanced on another. So began my car troubles. Gosh would I love to get another 2002 Mitsubishi Lancer again someday.


(my car at the beach, what a good day that was)

My credit was awesome back then. I got the car for $255 a month with no down payment. I could almost afford that now. Problem is, I would have to put my surgery off at least another year or two. With the way I feel now, I can't do that. Not for my own health. I have made it a year and I can make another. It will be hard but it will be impossible if I don't get my surgery going.

The good news is I recently applied for another loan. It was mostly for fun, but I was astonished at the results. Even though I filed bankruptcy in December of 2011, I got approved. Again no downpayment as above but a 14.99% rate. I have not look at cars but it does have me thinking. If only I could get a second job or a raise! Would make my life ten times easier. I could have both within a year.

Fortunately in some ways, the next year will be easier. They built an Uptown Grocery store right next to my work. This has been wonderful as I can get little things like Milk or Bread and sometimes even have a meal. They have a nice little buffet style deal for $6.00. I can have lunch there or buy a can of soup and eat it back at work. 

Not quite as nice as being able to go home and eat. I rented a car recently for a week. Mostly due to the high temperatures, and I could somewhat justify it on the weeks I work seven days in a row (once a month, every month). I did save a little eating at home. Bringing lunch to work has always been a struggle for me, I either don't bring enough and gorge on the vending machine, or bring too much and it goes bad or I forget about it. Also very hard to carry with my shoes and water to work.

As for a bike, I have tried that. All I have is my old butch mountain bike. Hard to ride and very uncomfortable. After trying it several times I have determined it easier to just walk. With the sidewalks though I am considering a road bike, the type with the skinny tires and such. That might work. Would at least shave ten minutes off my trip, thus freeing time for internet work/rest.

Lastly, I don't think anyone comprehends how hard it walking is for me. Walking is how my mom died. She had real bad schizophrenia and would have episodes where she would go walking, oblivious to her surroundings. She was struck by a car, knocked unconscious. The doctors declared her brain dead. My uncle explained everything to me. We decided to pull the plug. I was only 20. I was and still am devastated, and I think about my mom everyday I walk.

Even though I am in what is supposed to be the safe side of town, it really could not be further from the truth. Seems things happen at the park fairly often where the joggers go, which is across my work and on the same street I walk. Course people see me walking down the street, phone in hand and bag and I am sure I look like an easy target. What happens if someone tries to pick me up or worse and notices there is something different about me? The murder rate of transsexuals is 16 times higher than the national average.*

Ho hum, what to do. What to do.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Why Don't I Get a Second Job?

Several people have asked me why I don't just get another job. Economy issues aside, it is not that simple.

First and foremost. My schedule. While I have figured out my rotation and know my days off, they are so random I can't think of any place that would want to work around them. Has not stopped me from trying but here is how it is.

Week 1: Wednesday/Thursday
Week 2: Monday/Tuesday
Week 3: Saturday/Sunday
Week 4: Monday/Friday

While the week is fairly consistent in what days are off, the times are a whole other matter. 1:30-10:30, 9-6, 8-5, 3-10, so random, These always change and are impossible to predict.

I have applied for several positions with better, set, more traditional schedules in the store but have yet to be even interviewed. That is a pandoras box I'd rather not touch again (I hit on it in a prior post)

Secondly, I have applied for other jobs at other places. AAA, Redbox, FAA, to name a few. Granted I waited awhile because I wanted to see how my current job played out. I do enjoy where I work.If I could find a 7-4, 8-5 whichever I would totally go part time and take that full time. Would solve a lot of problems.

Thirdly, damnit I am only one step away from making enough. Promotions tend to be 10% and that would put me well where I need to be to make headway without the internet.

Fourth, The internet. When it's good it's good. Unfortunately when it's bad it's bad. It is nice being able to do it when I want, how I want, no rules, wear what I want, poop when I want, sleep when I want, eat when I want. To equal the internet on an average day, I would need at least 20 hours a week @ $8 an hour.

Fifth, Food/Bills. If I could just stop eating so much. I spent over $400 in food in June. That should not be higher than $150. If I can cut stress I could lower my bills and save plenty more. Less stress would result in less of me sleeping it off, which would save on A/C costs since I crank it all the way when I sleep (keeps me out longer).

Side jobs - Certainly open to these, under the table things like painting, mowing, anything of the sort. Not good at finding these but would certainly love some and do them.

My Ever Lowering Standards

By my best estimates I am only $4,000 away from where I need to be. Wait only? Ha, may as well be 4 million. Internet work is at a low, and am I starting to hurt from the lost funds from missing real work. How can I be so close yet so far?

What scares me the most? A selfishness I have never known. An attitude that consumes my morals and ethics, threatening everything. I find myself on the cusp of begging. The shame of asking my friends for money, as if asking for rides wasn't bad enough. I thought I would get there through hard work and perseverence. 

Now that I see that is not happening, something within me has changed. What does it matter if I get myself into some questionable legal matters? I can handle those, as I have before. The gain outweighs the loss. I could get 4k by December. 

The worst part is, as I reach the final stages of my transformation, to get all the way there I find myself examining the ins to the adult industry. Certainly I help fill in a niche for certain undesirables of society, and to get to where I need to be, there are levels of survival I am prepared to accept. Could get to 4k by April.

I have nearly convinced myself I can live a year of awful sin, if it means I gain the rest of my life. Which brings me to Mark 8:36.

"What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?"

This question. I have wrestled with it for years. I am too smart for this. Too good. Nah life will work out fine I said. And I fell back. Stay strong and work hard I said. And I fell back. Stuck halfway there, no car, and hot temps. Noooo!!! The line must be drawn here! No further!


*disclaimer* This post in no way reflects my turning to the darkside. I still bask in the light. For now. Just a possible scenario if things don't improve quick. 

Saturday, July 28, 2012

The Date


So several people seem to be asking me this lately. When is the date? As in, when will I be having my gender confirming surgery?  F.Y.I. Please don’t ever ask someone bluntly “When is your sex change.”? It is incorrect and rude. Which I know from me sounds odd, but everyone has a line somewhere that must be drawn. When is your surgery or operation is a little better but I hope to answer that question.

In all honesty? Unsure, still need at least $4,000 (Thailand) or $18,000 (America). Been saving a while but life always seems to happen. Surely by 15. No. Fine whatever. 18…no 22? Yeah. Yeah! Yeah!!! No. 25 Absolutely! I am working two jobs. Will be easy. No. 28? How could I not? Still working two jobs, plus internet work! Wait second job come back! No. Shoot. Now what?

I will be lucky if it is before I am 30 at current rates. Best case would be February 2013, but that is assuming I get this grant next month, otherwise roughly summer 2013 at current rates. Or if I complete the time machine it would have been ten years ago. If only...

At 18 I had the money, the means, and the will. I had to try love though. Shayla, Jessica, Sachia. Damnit. This is where the timeline skewed into this awful unpredicted future. I made a choice. A choice that has had lasting repercussions to now and beyond. My 2015 won’t be filled with flying cars or hoverboards, but PTSD of a choice I made ten years ago. Hence the impossible imaginings of traveling back to that time and fixing what was broke. Granted the new timeline could be worse, but I don’t see how. I’ll save that for a future post.

Anyway. There is a side point to this. While the official surgery maybe away off still, keep in mind I have been on hormones since 22 (and for a month in 2003…03! Damnit). Which means at this point I am reaching diminishing returns. In other words, other than some longer hair and hopefully more head regrowth, plus some dress changes, you won’t see much difference. Especially if you have known me 10+ years. Hopefully can get my stress down and be more calm. With the delays in surgery, I have been and will be out as me beforehand.

A more concrete date will be posted upon scheduled surgery.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Another Low Point

The recent uptick in credit has put me in what should be the best situation since 2005. Yet I feel miserable. It has barely been three weeks since my friend and strong source of support went to tour Europe and I am not coping well at all. Hard to even watch the Olympics without thinking of her moving away to Texas when she gets back. Think I have been teary eyed all day.

Thus in reality, I find myself since June in a position worse than I was after Sachia. The wreckless attitude is back in force and I have lost care for most everything. Mostly stay in bed if not working with Benedryl induced sleep. Which makes things worse since I do not do internet work then. 

Tried a therapy appointment last week but came out feeling worse, they never last long enough and cost too much. She said that I had done well to get this far without no support. Unfortunately, that really put things into perspective. 

No one to talk to it seems anymore and I feel so alone. I had to rent a car just so I could see my dad since he can not seem to find time to see me ("oh I work ten hour days but my tailights out and I cant drive at night") yet when I went over there twice on two seperate days, he was free to sit at the bar with me for three hours and go to the casino. 

People say to be positive but really put yourself in my shoes? Imagine feeling so disgusted and so out of place with your own body that it makes you sick, you make just enough to pay your bills for your cramped apartment, can not have a pet, you have such a bad social akwardness you struggle to make new friends and you do not have the money to go back and finish school and you can not get aid because your defaulted loan, you have no car so you walk to work, rain, cold, hot, whatever through a muddy construction nightmare and you dont have the friends and family network most have. 

Imagine your moms dead, your dad does not seem to care, any other family that might have cared either doesnt care or is dead too, and the best advice your friends, if they are not too "busy", can muster is "man up", which always seems to be the ones who have had it relatively easy, such as a live, supportive mommy and daddy or have the social skills or shacked up with the right person.

You put your blood, sweat, and tears into work (which I can say for sure I do, between all the cuts, scars, blisters, aches, heat, and crying work does to me) yet despite doing the work of two people at work and doing everything your supposed to, and being more qualified and experienced then 99% of the people there, you get overlooked and blown off. 

Then you go home and start the cycle all over again day by day. That is no kind of life and nothing to be happy about. I feel like a slave to the passage of time, dragged through misery by an endlessly rotating Earth. At least the slaves had each other. 

Friday, July 20, 2012

On a Lighter Note..iPhone Games

Recently I have become addicted to those Endless Runner games on the iPhone. If you liked Temple Run then you should try these, there are some terrible knock offs, but the ones below are as good if not better than Temple Run. I think I like them so much because some of them remind me of Sonic the Hedgehog.

There are also flying ones which are really fun too, listed my favorites below. Best of all most of them are free! Though if you like them, support the developers with an IAP (in ad purchase).  Please, please, please check out Light the Night below! Sorry Android users most of these seem to be for iPhone with the exception of Temple Run Brave/Temple Run.

RUN!


Subway Surfers


My favorite. Has a wonderful color palette, much more rich and vibrant than Temple Run. Updated regularly and they have listened to fan feedback as well. Designed for both iPhone and iPad. Don't forget to watch videos for free coins!!!


http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/subway-surfers/id512939461?mt=8

TheEndApp

Found this one to be very fun, but they are big on an in app purchase (IAP) for the Pro Version. Not sure if that is worth it, but they did just add a lot of new for the Pro users. End of the world theme. Very colorful and fun watching the world degrade the more you play. Will give a Pro shot when I earn my next giftcard. Designed for both iPhone and iPad.




Temple Run Brave

It's Temple Run with a Disney Brave theme. They did add an archery mechanic while running, you have to tap targets to hit them with arrows. Adds some fun. Otherwise it is Temple Run (which is not a bad thing). I would try to catch it if it goes free, especially if you already own and have played the original Temple Run to death. Good on both iPhone, iPad, and Android. 99¢


http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/temple-run-brave/id524509185?mt=8

Also, here is a link to the original Temple Run. It is FREE! Android and iPhone/iPad

http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/temple-run/id420009108?mt=8

FLY!

Light the Night

My favorite iPhone game right now. Love, Love, Love the colors in this game. You play as a lightning bug, avoiding other bugs and flowers, trying to get as far as you can on your light fuel. Fun upgrades to different themed bugs too. Free, iPhone and iPad



Dragon Flight

Like a top down shooter. Fly as a dragon. The simplest of all the games but still fun, especially if your stuck in line at the grocery store. Free, iPhone and iPad


 http://itunes.apple.com/gb/app/dragon-flight/id530610467?mt=8

Jetpack Joyride

From the makers of Fruit Ninja. Has an extreme amount of polish and humor. Loads of fun and there is even a Facebook version. Great, original, and mix matchable powerups. Free, iPhone and iPad. It's three screenshots cool.



http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/jetpack-joyride/id457446957?mt=8

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*links above go directly to the Appstore, no commission received on the links above*