A blog of various updates through my trans life. Providing additional information for others in my situation, including ways to increase funds, product reviews for transition related items, and other various tidbits. A few pics, fun, and life along the way. Please read my life story "A Cry for Help" for my situation. (right column).
Saturday, June 16, 2012
A Cry for Help
I typed this up in complete frustration last night. Realized it was most my story and posting so the world knows just how hard it is sometimes. It's a long read but bear with me. Fun fact at the bottom and a pic! Eventually hope to expand this blog to help others in my situation.
To someone with an
open heart and open mind:
My name is Corrie
Kasal. I am a 28 year old male to female transsexual. I am writing today
because I am not sure what else to do. I am scared I won’t make it to 30 as the
thoughts and emotions are overwhelming me. I had not realized how bad it was
until last night when I had to leave work early because of an article of a girl
who transitioned at 18 and was going to college and living out her life.
Perfectly passable, certainly attractive. Awesome for her, and I hope that one
day I can help others get there. In the meantime, for the first time in my
life, I must take care of myself.
Seeing this article
was so overwhelming. It brought up so much regret and sadness I could not
contain it no longer. Here I’ve lost ten years of my life, some of the best,
and I’ll probably lose another ten more just because the hand I’ve been dealt.
Plus another 10 for all the stress and suffering.
I was at that point
she was 10 years ago, up 28 years ago. Up until then I clung to religion, and
society but I realized I was only hurting myself clinging on to what others
wanted. It is fun how I used always put female online for everything and play as female characters in games, it was one thing that helped deal growing up.
I knew I was
different. I hated being a boy and I did some bad things, some gross things
when I was young. Even at the age of 12 I was trying to castrate myself with
fishing line, even up to 17 where I hung myself by my genitals to a
clothesline. I have worn panties as long as I can remember just like the
regular everyday clothing the are. Snuck them and took a few from Walmart
until they had self checkout. Washed clothes in the sink. Simple and weird as
it may sound the underwear was the achor to my thoughts until I was able to
dress openly now.
Life was hard growing
up. My dad was non existent and my mom had severe schizophrenia. We were poor
and did not have much. I ended up having to take care of my mom since after
1996 she took a turn for the worse. DHS placed me with my granny who was 85 at
the time. Though she tried her best, I ended up taking care of her into my
As I grew older
and learned more about myself and the process I stopped, but I still have the
thoughts to this day. Infections, Gangrene, and Flesh eating bacteria are the
only thing holding me back, but even then I think what if. Thoughts that I
cannot keep at bay much longer. So many times have I considered getting drunk,
mangling myself up in the emergency room and the thought that just maybe I will
survive and be rid of these wretched parts. Rationally this to me is ridiculous
but the thought of another year like this is unbearable.
I started hormones
courtesy of Inhouse Pharmacy back in 2006, though I had dabbled in 2003 as
well. I was 22 when I started in 2006. I had just gone through some horrible
times. Between 2004-2006 my mom died, my granny who took care of me since I was
12 died, our house burned up, my dog Mickey I had since kindergarten died, my
fiancé left, I lost a job, and dropped out of school. When my fiancé left in
2006 I practically tried to kill myself. (overdosed on pills trying to get my
ex to see me). I lost everything.
During the time with
my fiancé I struggled with the emotions and dressing on the side. Soon as the
relationship was over I hit the hormones, I knew what I had to do. I had wasted
too much time already. Unfortunately I also went through the worst period of
drinking and spending after this. I blew my credit, wrecked a car, and created
problems lasting to this day that I don’t think it will be until I am well into
my 30s to fix. Life just keeps happening and I don’t know what to do. I save up
a $1,000 here something happens, save up a $1,000 there but no matter what something
happens. Last it was my teeth, and before that I had to move next to work after
my car died.
As of now in ten years
I have managed to save up a whopping $1900 for surgery. I currently work for
Lowe’s. It is stable but pays the bills and that is about it. I do some
internet work but that only tends to range from 10 cents a day to around $10.
Typically in between on the lower end.
I also struggle with
hairloss still. By the time I turned 20 it was almost too late, I was stage IV.
I think I am back to II now but it is still very noticeable and hard to hide
unless I wear a headband or sunglasses up. Also a lot of any extra money I have
is going to special shampoos that supposedly block testosterone and extracts,
and the $150 I blew on a laser comb.
Another issue is my
credit. I would love to just borrow the money I need and pay it back, but I
filed bankruptcy in December 2011. I was fortunate to have my electrolysis
finished but the debt I accumulated during 2007-2011 was just too much. My
minimum payments were more than my total income. I was working a near minimum
wage job and living off my then awesome credit. I knew it was wrong but I was
so depressed from all the bad things that happened and being transsexual that I
gave up hope that I would see the next day. Part of me stayed strong though, I
maintained the job and coped somewhat. I recovered a little by 2009 but it was
too little too late for my finances. I got notices of being sued and threats of
garnishment I had no choice but to file bankruptcy.
Having bad social
anxiety hasn’t helped. It has caused me to stress eat impacting my finances and
health. I don’t have the friends and family network most have. My dad’s in
worse shape than I am. He has bad back and is unable to find a job. I fear I
will have to take care of him. I live by myself and just don’t make the income
I need to save. On the brightside the social anxiety helps steer me away
from the adult industry. Though it is tempting for money.
Everyone I know, knows
now. I used to work for Hertz, but when I came out there I started getting
write-ups and disciplinary action for the most absurd things. I was working
Lowe’s part time trying to save . I knew the writing was on the wall at Hertz
so I promptly quit, and took this full time position at Lowe’s. I waited
to tell them, I could not let what happened at Hertz happen there. Eventually I
could not contain it though, and changes to my body were very obvious. I came
out to my hr manager, who has been extremely supportive. Most the rest of the
store doesn’t seem to care. The only real complaint I had was from one of the
girls about my ear piercing.
That said, my day to
day work life is miserable. Especially in summer. I see so many women in cute
dresses and skirts and I drown myself in jealously and sorrow. Jealous they are
so lucky they wear things like that without fear of their own parts, and sorrow
that I may never get to fully enjoy those freedoms. I have not been able to go
swimming since I was 15. Tucking is horrible and only reminds me of what is
I am noticing an
attraction to certain men (British haha) sometimes but feel like a grotesque
freak because I know I could get beat up or worse if they saw what I had in my
pants if we were intimate. I think if I was still 18 I could bear longer, but
the 20s are so necessary for growing and learning about love and sex and I am
missing and have missed so much already. Of course I would tell someone first
in a safe location, but accidents and spur of the moments can happen too.
Mostly still am attracted to women though, though I find the thought of vaginal
intercourse both appealing and correct.
I can’t sleep most
nights, in fact right now I am typing this because I can’t sleep. The thoughts
are overwhelming me. Thoughts I’ve dealt with for thousands of days, each day
building on the next to the point I do not see making it past the next. My
hopes and dreams are crushed.
That dream. Since I
was little. To overcome being different and embrace it. Show the world how
strong I have become. To finish college maybe even in genetics. To find
someone to love me for who I am. Adopt a child in need. Be a big sister to
someone. Help others in my situation. Become the lady I was always meant to be.
Fortunately, with a
note from Dr. Dawn Singleton (my counselor), I have been able to get hormones
through my work health insurance. I see an endocrinologist (Wynter Kipgen) as
well for checkups. This helped a little. I am sure they would have no problem
with an official letter for surgery. Unfortunately I do not see Dr. Singleton
often since that takes out of my surgery money. My name change is complete.
As you have seen, I am
in an awful situation. What I was wondering is do you offer any type of aid for
someone in my situation? I am so desperate. I am willing to provide any
documentation of my situation. If there is some way I can work it off like
filing or phones, or deskwork, anything I would be willing to help. For the
surgeons I even offered for them to use me to practice a new technique. If it
was as simple as moving in with mommy and daddy or living with a friend I
would, but my friends and family network is non existent compared to most.
I am aware of the Thailand option but even that is far away (in more ways than